Goodbye. Hello.

It's New Year's Eve and reflecting back on 2011, it's been both a rough and a great year.

Here is Michael and Matthew at the beginning of the year:

(Not even walking!!)

And here they are now:

They have both grown so much and are so much fun!

About the year....It started pretty rough. It's hard to believe we spent just about every other week from February to April in the doctor's office either for colds, ear infections, or mysterious eye infections. In fact, the doctor even commented how frequently we were there and commented, "It's not like your kids are in day care, right?" It was that bad, folks. I guess in doctor's minds, there are several levels for sick-kid frequency:

1. Bubble-Boy Level (never sick)
2. Kids Go Nowhere Outside the House Level (the rare sickness)
3. Kids Have Normal Outings to Parks and Stores (the occasional sickness)
4. Kids Play in McDonald's Playhouses Frequently (Sick regularly)
5. Day Care Kids (always sick).

So, despite the sacrifices made to stay at home and keep the kids fairly unexposed, we still managed to reach that enviable Day Care Kid status. (I say this tongue and cheek, no judgment on Day Care...I'm just amused that my doc compared them to kids in Day Care!)

After several rounds of antibiotics, several (expensive) trips to the emergency room due to fever and swollen eyelid and much anxiety, Michael's eye was cured with a....drumroll....Warm washcloth!! Glad it was a simple solution. Bugged we didn't find it sooner.

The brunt of this took place during Lent and we tried to remind ourselves about the importance of suffering and whatnot. Of course, Holy Week just wouldn't be Holy Week without Lent with a little extra. This Holy Week, we got a lot extra. We lost our little Gabriel, as you all well know. That was a suffering that lasted through Holy Week and quite well beyond. While the burial brought us a good deal of closure, I can with all honesty say that not a day goes by that we don't think of our little one that we have yet to meet. We pray for him daily and await our reunion in Heaven.

Around Pentecost, our year started to turn around and we received many blessings of good news: the upcoming news of a new baby for Michael's sister, the continued health of my sister's pregnancy, and the good news of a new baby of our own. Though Gabriel's life was very, very short, he would make way for a baby that so far, has been given a longer span of time, and God willing, will outlive us all. It's a bittersweet mystery: that had Gabriel not died, this baby would never be, but still wishing that we wouldn't have lost Gabriel. Oh would we could have had both! But also, of course knowing that the blessing didn't cause the loss, but was a gift of consolation in the midst of it.

The next few months found the familiar tune of first trimester sickness which somewhat slowed our pace, but didn't stop us from enjoying Michael and Matthew and their ever-increasing boisterous antics. During this year, those boys have become fast friends. They play, they laugh, they plot together and have brought us so much joy.

Michael grew in boundless amounts in maturity and emotional stability and Matthew grew in laughter and smiles.

The last part of the year has been great. Between the birth of our fourth nephew and the continued health of Baby Barber's growth and the continued health of our soon-to-born nephew on Michael's side of the family, it's been a very calm and blessed second half of 2011. Health all around, happiness, and a lot of anticipation for what 2012 will bring.




Happy New Year!

Consistency

It seems that Michael's long-time fascination with light switches is taking a new form.....






I was working in the kitchen and turned around to see what Michael had written! Not bad for a little guy!!



A few minutes after this, Michael asked me to draw a helicopter on the white board. I was busy so I said, "Later, sweetie, I'm fixing lunch." He waited about thirty seconds, looked at me with his big eyes and said, "Mommy, it's later now."

He's a cutie, that's for sure.

Prepping to Be a Big Brother

Matthew has under six months now to work on his big-brother skills. so far, I think he is doing great!

A New Vocabulary

I never realized how easy it is to create an entirely new vocabulary that really is particular to each home....well, maybe other families aren't as weird as ours, but there are times when I wonder if people who come to visit would be able to understand most of what the kids are trying to say.

Michael isn't such a big culprit of it, with the exception of the immovable "Gak" which is "Hot Chocolate." This has been going on since he was a very young fellow...pretty close to just after he turned 1 and he started drinking milk. We would make him hot chocolate which he just consistently kept referring to as "gak." It was cute in its own way, and it just stuck around and I never really thought twice about it until we've had a recent string of babysitters come and feed the kids dinner and I realized I would have to reveal our family secret since Michael would probably ask for this Gak and there is no clue as to what that is in actual English.

Matthew, on the other hand, is really pretty bad about inventing his own language. Granted, he is not even two so we shouldn't expect too much of his pronunciation, but sometimes, his new words go well beyond just babytalk. He can say the words, but he just obstinately refuses to.

"Gak" for him, for instance, is "Da." I keep trying to "correct" him ("No, Matthew, you are saying this made-up word wrong!), but he refuses. His drink is "Da."

Matthew also coined the aforementioned "Stee" which is so much of the family vocabulary that we don't even realize that's it's not a real word and sometimes forget that I have to explain it to people not in the family.

But there are many other words that he comes up with these ridiculous variations for:

"Tahdee"=Car Wash.

"Sahdee"=Syrup, Sausage, Salad, Siren (aka police car or fire truck)

"Dahnee"=Daddy. Can Matthew say "Daddy"? Yes, he can. Does he just decide he wants to give him his own name? Yes. Now, Michael frequently calls his dad, "Donny" and I myself sometimes fall into it and refer to him as "Donny" instead of Daddy. It's like, he just wants to give things his own pet name.

We correct him when we think about it, and I know advice givers are usually not a fan of the parents adopting their children's language rather than vice versa, but, it just sort of happens, and it is endearing, at least to us anyway.

I suppose I can hardly blame Matthew, who himself is rarely called by his given name. Throughout his almost two years of life, Matthew has more frequently been referrred to as

Moo
Moose
Moo-da-Moo
Moosey-Moo
Moo-Moos
Poops (this one I've been scolded about by my husband so I only use it when I'm the only parent around)
Matt-tah-tee (this is what he calls himself)

This list is by no means exhaustive, but just what I might use throughout the day. I guess it's no wonder he thinks the name of something is up for re-invention. Oops.

Despite Matthew's baby talk, he can be surprisingly articulate. He speaks in full (albeit short) sentences from time to time, with proper verb conjugation too, such as:

"I want to sit down."

"I'm thirsty, Mama."

"Ooohh, thank you, Mama!"

"Is it dirty? Eww....dirty!"

"Mama! I want to go potty!"

"I want more pasta, please."

Matthew's language development is certainly different from Michael's. Michael learned words, Matthew learned phrases. But he has a pretty thick layer of baby talk to get through that I don't recall Michael having. Matthew, however, is reaching the stage where he is determined that he is making sense and he gets easily frustrated when he is not perfectly understood. Many times, lately he just repeats the same thing over and over, each time more insistently until I just give up and say, "I'm sorry! I don't understand." Sometimes, I really don't understand...sometimes, it takes a few minutes of searching through my memory databanks to recall what he thinks he is saying. Poor kid. He gets so mad.

But the learning process is exciting to see and I look forward to hearing more of what's going on in that little Moosey-brain!

You should watch this video

I love my boys.

Poop on the Rug, Mayonnaise on the Floor

So Michael has been working on potty training for months now. Months. The #1 part he really does have down no problem. He'll tell us when he has to go and can manage everything in the process well with little assistance.

It's the #2 stuff that we are continually struggling with. Really struggling. If I were smart, I'd keep a journal, because something tells me there is a pattern here. Sometimes, Michael has his "business" to do in the afternoon, for which there has been no problem going in the toilet because we always have him sit on the toilet before nap time, and he goes during that time.

But a few days a week, Michael's business schedule leads him to have to go in the morning. Usually between 9-10. It's these morning business transactions that are constantly causing problems. It's these times that he always just goes in his underwear. Sometimes it's just a beginning installment, sometimes he empties his accounts.

Today, my frustration with this on-going problem was compounded, when taking off his soiled underwear, he managed to step in it, trailing it all over the bathroom rug.

Oh. The new bathroom rug I might add.

I put him on the toilet and left him there to finish his business while I attended to other matters, which included making a sandwich. (After using the word "toilet" and "sandwich" in the same sentence, I must add how thoroughly I washed my hands in between the two activities).

Perhaps in my flurry of frustration over the toilet incident, I mishandled the mayonnaise jar (after it was open, of course) and upon hitting the floor, it glopped mayonaise all over the kitchen floor....You can imagine my state of mind at this point in the day.

After remedying the current problem of continence, condiments, and confidence (with wet wipes, a gaggle of napkins, and a Starbucks drink, respectively), I conducted some extensive research on the problem (e.g. I googled "my three year old keeps pooping his pants") and am finding I am not alone in the mothering community with this problem.

Some of the solutions include:
1) Just wait until they grow into greater control of their muscles and the problem will solve itself.
2) Doctors sometimes prescribe laxatives to help kids who have on-going struggles with this (does this not seem like a bad idea to anyone else??)
3) "Just watch him better" (point taken. There have been a few occasions when I have been doing other things and he's been playing in his room quietly--a little too quietly I later discover--but other times it happens when I'm sitting right in front of him asking if he has to go on the toilet to which he responds "No" only to do his business right in front of me...boy if that isn't the most frustrating ever).

Never mind my own solution which I thought was going to be a quick remedy to the problem: have him wash out his own poopy underwear. Unfortunately, he is quite taken with the process of scrubbing, washing, rinsing, and wringing out his underpants that it no longer serves as much of a deterrent.

So, I pose the question to anyone out there: Any experience with this? What methods, if any go towards solving this problem?

He's Three.

Oh....the little Michael.

He turned three today!

Michael is a joy and a wonder. He is a thoughtful, pensive little boy with more drive and determination than sometimes even I can handle. One thing about Michael: he knows who he is and he knows what he likes.

This makes Michael both easy and challenging. Easy because there is not a lot of guess work that has to go into things that will be a hit with Michael or things that will be a flop. Challenging because it can be difficult (nay, impossible) to distract him if what he wants is not presently available.

Michael is incredibly reasonable most of the time with a few sparks of pure, raw, irrational, emotion that come and go. He is passionate and can throw his entire self into his feelings, whether they are happy or sad.

Michael is a tease. If he feel like a certain answer is expected, he will purposefully give the wrong answer. Imagine going to a 3-year-old check up with the doctor asking him certain baseline questions to see if he is reaching his intellectual milestones. Does Michael like to perform? Absolutely not. And when he is expected to answer questions like his name, whether he is a boy or a girl, or how old he is, etc...imagine his delight in giving the absolute wrong answer every time.

Do I tell the doctor: Ok, despite what you are witnessing, not only does he know his name, but he can spell his name. Not only does he know that he's a boy, but he knows if every member of his family and friends are a boy or a girl. Not only does he know his age, but he knows his brother's age, his dad's age, his mom's age (shhh! don't ask him!) and how old everyone will be on their next birthday.

Do I ask the doctor if he's "keeping up" with his peers by knowing every letter of the alphabet, its sound, how to sound out phonetic words, and with a reading vocabulary of at least a hundred words....by two and a half years old? Or would that just sound desperate?

And when she asks him to draw a line, a circle and a "+" and all he does is scribble mindlessly on the page, do I take out my phone and show her the picture of the helicopter he draws on a regular basis:



Do I fall into the trap of parental insecurity, desperately trying to prove that Michael is being nurtured and is developing atleast normally?

No. I keep my Michael our little family secret and I smile knowing that he's just teasing.

...On Matthew
Michael loves his little brother and Michael relishes that he is the big brother. Sure, it's true that Michael can be pretty rough on him (we are currently going through a "don't-poke-out-Matthew's-eye" phase, and yes, he does get wildly jealous and feels mighty entitled when Matthew has a toy he feels he should have, but all in all, he loves his brother. He loves to make Matthew laugh, he loves to lead him into temptation, and he loves to tell him what to do. Often as Michael instructs Matthew, I hear echoes of my own words, and tones in how I instruct Michael. That's not always a good thing, but I do appreciate hearing how I must sound to him so I can be a little more gentle in the future.

....On Daddy
Daddy is still Michael's #1. He has special games he plays just with his dad and a few weeks ago, Michael Sr decided to treat Michael Jr as his teddy bear and ever since then, Michael has relished that special position as being Daddy's "heddy bear." He loves being cuddled, and he plays a funny game where Michael Sr pretends to be asleep, and Michael Jr will stick toys in his hands and then run away giggling as his dad pretends to wake up all shocked that the toys are there. It pains Michael to away from his dad for any amount of time. He will tell him, nearly every day, "You don't have to go to work" and on the days when Michael doesn't have to work, he is attached to him like glue, and wants his dad to do everything with him and for him. Only Daddy can take him out of his car seat, only Daddy can take him to the potty, only Daddy can put him down for his nap.


....On Mommy
Mommy and Michael have a special relationship too. Michael spontaneously gushes to me, "I love you so very much" over and over again. He will be pouring out thanks for any little thing I did for him that day, "Thank you for a special lunch" (chicken nuggets? Special? Ok...). He will come and give me spontaneous hugs and kisses and be particularly concerned that I get a little nap in if I'm feeling tired....and all in all, just a darling, kind, little son.

That's not to see that we always see things the same way, or that we don't sometimes just have to come toe-to-toe and I have to relinquish the gentle nurturer role and adopt the firm law-giver role, but, to be honest, the past week or so has seen much less of that and much more instances of guidance and explaining on my part, rather than mandates and discipline, and I like that much better.

Michael doesn't miss anything about anything. He pays attention to your conversation even if you don't think he is. He observes everything, whether if it's in the car, or if something just seems a little different or out of place.

He can be a little OCD at times, having to have things in a particular order, in a particular way, and has been known to remind me that something isn't quite clean enough.

He surprises me. I didn't want to enter the "threes" with that silly pacifier still around. I tried everything the experts say to try and get rid of it gradually but that wasn't working. So one day I just said, "We're saying bye-bye" and that's what happened. I expected Armageddon, and instead got utter compliance without a word of complaint.

Sure, every once in a while he take one of Matthew's and take a few puffs on it for old times sake. I know he misses it and I know if I were to give it back to him, he'd take it in a heartbeat, but he stepped in line and that was the that. No battles, just compliance.

He is potty-trained with about 90% accuracy. He still has his mistakes, but so far, never in public and it's usually not a full mistake, but just didn't quite tell me about it in time, but he knows to stop before it gets worse. We went through a few weeks where I was just dying. I hated potty training and he wasn't too thrilled about it either, and then one day, I looked around and realized it had been days since there was an accident and we were no longer fighting about going to the toilet. So, all of a sudden, he just got into the rhythm and we overcame that hurdle too.

He loves water activities of all kinds, though it's been a while since I have taken him into a pool. I just haven't gotten around to swimming lessons this year, but may try to do it before the summer ends.

He loves getting people wet, but remains pretty cautious himself before throwing himself into it:




He loves helicopters still, but car washes have definitely taken over as his true obsession. He even asked for a car wash cake, which I managed to pull together with some help from family:



I'll admit it. I'm proud of it. When he first got the idea for a car wash cake, I was hoping he would forget about it because I didn't have any clue how to pull it together, but he was fixated on the concept, so it became a reality and he was very appreciative of it. At bedtime after he had his cake he said spontaneously, "Thank you so much for my cake, Mommy." My heart did, in fact, melt.

Michael is a perfect first child. He is a trailblazer, guinea pig, and he definitely gives me plenty of opportunities where I realize how much I need to grow. But he is forgiving of my mistakes, he is understanding, kind, and compassionate.

I love him so much and can't imagine life without him.

Happy Birthday, Michael!

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Rex (?)

Lately, Michael has taken to speaking to Matthew like a dog and calling him Rex.

"Come here, Rex! Come here, boy!" He'll say.

Michael will do this when he wants to herd Matthew from one room to another.

While Toy Story has a Rex, and the boys do like Toy Story, I think the culprit is something entirely different. I think it's a clip from Snoopy Come Home I have occasionally let him watch on YouTube. In it, a little girl takes to calling Snoopy "Rex" and dragging him around violently by the leash and dressing him up:

Good thing it hasn't gone that far, right? I can't even imagine!

What am I missing?

Matthew is learning new words everyday and sometimes, his pronunciation is astonishingly good. Sometimes he'll say a word and I'll be surprised how clear it is. He clearly is able to listen and imitate.

But here's our conversation this morning which has me thinking I'm just missing something in the way he is processing things:

Me: Matthew can you say 'airplane'?
Matthew: "airplane."
Me: Good! Matthew can you say 'car'?
Matthew: "Car!"
Me: Can you say 'Michael'
Matthew: "Michael."
Me: Can you say 'bus'?
Matthew: "Bus!"
Me: Can you say 'Choo-Choo-Train?'
Matthew: "Choo-Choo Train"
Me: Good! Can you say helicopter?

Matthew: "Stee!"

Flippin' Sweet!

What is making him smile?




Seeing a dolphin for the first time, of course!!



Matthew was a little less interested and instead posed for a Myspace-esque self-portrait.

Trade Negotiations

What do you do when you have a dumb ol' graham cracker and a water cup while your brother has Goldfish and a helicopter?



Especially when your brother is this kind of a tough customer...



You can try several approaches:
1. Just Ask



2. Sweetness


3. Sneak one when an airplane comes....






4. Look for fallen scraps:


5. Performing



6. Scene-Stealing


7. Try to appeal to his patriotic spirit


8. Pretend to be blind and ask for handouts



9. Pull rank and just ask Mommy.

Two Fun Packages and One Not-So-Fun

This was a busy mail week. Unless I indulge in a little online shopping, I don't usually get too many packages around here. So for three packages to have come was a busy week!

The first fun one was the boys' easter basket from the Campbells. Loaded with candy, coloring books, play-dough, balls and a little novelty gift (a candy-pooping cow) I just can't wait for the boys to wake up from their naps so they can enjoy them. I've been pretty stingy on candy distribution, but when I do give them a piece, I say "Happy Easter!" so when Michael wants more candy he says, "More Happy Easter? Pwease?" It's way too cute.

A very fun little fact about the candy-pooping cow--revenge for some of the gifts I got last year....but Wheetah, just wait til my package comes (some point after I mail it...thank goodness I have like 8 weeks!) I will once again reign supreme as gift terrorist numero uno!) anyways, this cow moos whenever it is moved even the slightest. When I picked up the package from the apartment office it Mooed loudly and the landlady kind of gave me a look indicating that it wasn't the first time she had heard that! She said the mailman commented that everytime he hit a bump on the way to deliver the package, he would hear a loud "Moo!" I guess it brightened his day :)

Second fun package was a cool-mist fan for the kids' room.



For the past couple of years, we have struggled with the kids room getting so hot in the summer. Since our air conditioner is only in the front room, and we keep the kids' door closed to block out sound, it gets pretty toasty in there. We have a fan going, but at a certain point, blowing around hot air only does so much. Furthermore, at some point before Michael turns 3 (you know, in like 2.5 months!), we are going to have to spring him from his crib and actually put him in a real bed. As nice as it is to have him confined, and since we have not gotten any complaints from him, we just haven't really had it at the forefront of our minds to change. The other problem is that the fan we have in there has a kind of loose grate, and imagining him milling around in his room with a fan that could cause him harm did not inspire us to rush things.

Now that we have this humidifier, we have it up on top of the dresser so there is no danger whatsoever in that room anymore, which means Matthew can hang out in his room unattended and while there is only so much we can do to prevent the boys from milling around their room at night once we spring them from their crib jails, at least they will only be able to cause mischief and not harm.

This fan also purports to cool the room by 20 degrees simply by its misting powers, so we'll see about that, and perhaps will be investing in another one for us!

And finally, the third package that came was this:



It came from a company that makes caskets for babies who die before birth. The casket itself is handmade, beautiful, and perfect for his size. The mortuary sells caskets, but sells only caskets for newborns (of which Gabriel would have taken up a full 1% of the space) but the cost of them is pretty astronomical. Obviously, we are not looking to deny him a burial with dignity, but goodness, the bottom line quote from the mortuary for the vault and casket, of which Gabriel was going to occupy such a small amount of space, I really hoped there would be a better way.

And there was!

I did not want to open the box, but I knew if something needed to be changed, the sooner I knew about it the better. And while it is sad to see such a small casket and to picture Gabriel resting in it, I will tell you, that it is very well made and despite being more economical, is in no way less beautiful or dignified.

The couple who runs Heaven's Gain has lost children of their own due to miscarriage, and they were wanting to provide something for parents who wanted to bury miscarried children, since not all mortuaries have caskets for that small of a child. Not only was I impressed with the craftsmanship, but the tone of the website, their compassion to their customers, and their service left nothing to be desired for us. I ordered the casket on Tuesday and it was here on Friday. God willing, no one reading this blog will have to bury a child, but if anyone knows someone who needs a casket and vault for such a small baby, I would recommend this company.

So those are my two fun packages and a sad one. But even the sad one has to be done...and since it has to be done, I'm glad we were able to find one that is nice for him.

Dear Readers

Tomorrow will be a week since we found out we lost Gabriel, and Friday will be a week since his delivery. I wanted to update you all on a few things and then comment on the direction of this blog afterwards.

* We are still working out the details of his burial, but those are starting to fall into place too. His little baby casket is being delivered on Friday. It is appropriate for his size instead of the one we could buy at the mortuary that is for a fully-developed baby. I feel happier knowing he will be resting in something that is a little more cozy. I don't know why.

* I am healing very well and have had absolutely no complications, thanks be to God.

*Whether he likes it or not, Gabriel is in charge of praying for pregnant moms, and for husband and wives hoping to be pregnant. This is the case for several reasons: 1) We have full confidence in the mercy of God, and that Gabriel is in Heaven. That being the case, and being not bound by time, he has lots of opportunities to pray for people. So that's what he's doing, and I don't want him to feel bored, so he has an assignment. 2) In salvation history, the archangel Gabriel announced to the Virgin Mary that she was to conceive and bear a son: Jesus Christ. Since St. Gabriel is our little Gabriel's patron saint, I thought it would be appropriate if Gabriel pray for couples hoping to conceive and receive announcements of their own of an upcoming baby. 3) Praying for couples hoping to conceive (and of course that those babies be kept safe in their mother's wombs!) is something our family has done for years. So while we pray for those intentions during each Mass and before each bedtime, Gabriel is keeping up with our family tradition. 4) I'm still Gabriel's mom and that's the assignment I've given him so I know he'll do it.

* Michael and Matthew are keeping me busy and keeping me laughing. They also have been unusually sweet and obedient lately. I think our little intercessor is doing a good job. Seeing Mumma and Papa, and Grammy and Poppi over the past few days I am sure didn't bother them a bit either.

*At the last update, we still hadn't taken Gabriel to the mortuary. On Saturday morning, Fr. Michael met us at the Church and drove with us, spoke to the people there with us, and then joined us for lunch afterwards. All of this on the day before Easter when the Church was bustling preparing for one of the busiest weekends of the year. He also kept Gabriel with him from Friday to Saturday, lit a candle for him, prayed a Rosary for him, and kept him next to him while he worked on his Easter homily. When we saw him Saturday morning, Fr. Michael had put the container (the mortuary told us we needed to put Gabriel's remains in a plastic container for them to be able to receive him...it felt a little dehumanizing shuffling through my Tupperware drawer and I still hate the sight of Tupperware). We did our best to add a little dignity to the situation: We wrapped Gabriel's body in a little blanket, and placed him in the container, and then wrapped the container in a baby blanket.

But when we saw Fr. Michael on Saturday, he had put the container in a small, beautiful, wooden chest. Placed a Rosary and a crucifix in the chest, and then gave him a leather-bound New Testament to go with him on top of the chest. He said, since he was a Barber, he would have to study the Bible. Fr. Michael is amazing and though he was already very dear to our family, we will never be able to articulate the depth of gratitude and love we have for him and how supportive he was in this time. He is a truly compassionate man and an amazing priest.

* We are still going through our times of grief, but the raw emotion of it all is subsiding and we are settling into our new reality.

This brings me to my comment about the direction of this blog. It is hard for me to make a transition from the events of the past week, to going back and posting about the silly antics of Matthew and MIchael. I feel like if I spend all my time hashing and rehashing the events of this week, it will not be healthy. I don't even really have anything new to add to what I have said. Our grief is still present and we still talk about it everyday, but this stage of the process is not really suitable for public display, but finds its appropriate place in the quiet of personal conversation.

So, torn between just moving on and posting silly things again, as if I am forgetting about Gabriel on the one hand, and no longer posting silly things because they might make someone think we are forgetting about what happened and not giving its fully gravity on the other...I feel like I am going to continue to move the blog forward in the same tone you would find us if you visited our home. You will find two crazy boys who do crazy things and say funny things and have their funny little way about them; and you will find a mom and a dad who can still stop and laugh and enjoy and be silly with them and each other. But if you visited, you will still also find us talking about Gabriel, about what's new with preparing for his burial, about how we are doing, etc. But we are also not solely focused on that because life keeps going forward.

In the next few days, expect a post about Michael and Matthew and back to the day to day functions of the house. And if I remember to charge my camera and look for the cable to put the pictures into my computer, I may even spoil you with a few shots of their goofiness. And maybe a few days after that, you can expect another post on how things are going preparing for laying Gabriel's body to rest. I don't know what I'll be in the mood for writing.

I just wanted to ease myself (and my loyal band of readers...whoever you are, and you MUST be loyal after all the hiatuses I have taken!) back into life as we know it, Michael, Matthew, Gabriel and all.

"It is finished"

The Barber family has lived out its Good Friday.

Little Gabriel Barber was born, whole, perfectly in tact, lifeless, yet beautiful at home today.

I labored with contractions for a few hours until 11am and then quickly and painlessly delivered our little baby boy (we're pretty sure it was a boy, but he was so small and delicate, we couldn't look very close to investigate. Michael believes he saw boy parts...but even if we are mistaken, Gabriel can be a girl's name too). We wrapped him in a blue towel and laid him in our room.

Fr. Michael, our parish priest, one of the most wonderful priests we could ever know, helped us make arrangements with the local mortuary who will hold his body until we are able to make arrangements for a small burial. We are hoping to bury him where we already have family. Even though we know his soul is no longer with his body, we feel comfort by him not being in a cemetery all alone.

Seriously, the goodness, compassion and love we received from Fr. Michael and the woman in charge of bereavement at our parish, Blanquita, could not be overstated. Fr. Michael, on Good Friday, one of the busiest times of the year for a priest, made the necessary phone calls with the funeral home on our behalf, knowing he would have an easier time getting through than we would.

Since I had to go to the hospital due to having more bleeding after the delivery than my doctor would have liked, we could not bring him to the funeral home before 4:30pm. By that time, they had already closed. When she couldn't get through by phone, Blanquita dropped what she was doing and drove over to the home in person to see if they were still open.

We couldn't bring Gabriel to the mortuary today, so Fr. Michael prayed with us, blessed the baby, and took him to the rectory so we would know he was in a safe place, but so we wouldn't have the emotional hardship of having him home. He said he will light a candle for him tonight and keep vigil for us until tomorrow, when again, he will drop his plans for however long needed, and go with us to take Gabriel to the mortuary for safekeeping.

Fr. Peter, Michael's uncle, was also supporting us all day through his constant prayer and his immediate answer to our questions, despite his busy Good Friday schedule.

Of course, our siblings and our parents were a constant source of love and strength. We deeply appreciate their help watching the kids, making plans to be with us for appointments next week, phone calls, messages, and of course their constant prayer.

We also thank my grandparents as well for their prayer and for GG's phone calls in the midst of all this to show love and support. Especially since GG knows the pain of delivering a baby who was not alive.

Little Gabriel is so loved by not only his parents and his brothers, but by his whole family and those in the broader family of our Church.

We are so grateful to God for a peaceful and uneventful delivery. Under the circumstances, things could not have gone more smoothly for us. We love and miss our little baby and our day has been punctuated by moments of sorrow when we think about what it would have been like to have him join our other boys' crazy little clan. We were full of sadness as we drove him to the Church to give him to Fr. Michael knowing this would be the last car ride with him. We are constantly reminded that we are no longer preparing for his coming in October as we have been accustomed to doing for the past 3 months.

Gabriel had to do nothing to earn our love. He didn't have to coo or smile, or having a great birth, or grab our finger or anything. He just simply had to exist in order to have our complete love, which he had since the day we knew I was pregnant. He was loved so very, very much and we will never forget our little one in Heaven waiting for us to be with him. It is a beautiful reminder of God's love for us: unearned and freely given. He loves us simply because we exist and because we are His children.

Lastly, we are so grateful this happened on Good Friday. The day to unite our suffering with our Lord. The day when we have the company of Mary who also buried her Son on this day. It was the perfect day to reflect on death, and the hope of new life. It was the perfect day to know God is with us in our suffering.

It has been a whirlwind. Exactly 24 hours after we found out he was no longer alive, I gave birth to him. This is not how we expected this week to go. But its swiftness has been a blessing, and God has given us the grace to grieve together for him, and to look on our little boys that are healthy and alive with such deep love and appreciation, knowing in a real way how very fragile life is.

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...blessed be the Lord!" (Job 1:21).

The God who can do something...but doesn't

Today I went hopefully to my 14 week ultrasound, looking forward to seeing our third baby squirming, kicking, sucking thumbs and waving at the camera. Our second glimpse at the baby... the first was 7 weeks ago, we saw him/her with a fluttering heart, a peanut-like shape, but a clearly identifiable head and body. It was already a cutie. After finishing a rough trimester of sickness and exhaustion, about to enter the "glory days" of pregnancy, finding a doctor who would let me do a VBAC and not another c-section, things were looking up and this appointment was going to be almost as exciting as the one next month when we would find out if were were having a boy or a girl.

Instead of all this, we saw a baby, 12 weeks in size, lying still and lifeless on his/her side, looking at us quietly. A minute passed, the doctor scrutinized the screen, moved the ultrasound wand looking for a heart that wouldn't beat. Everything was silent and it stayed that way for the rest of the visit. Using the internal ultrasound produced the same results. A lifeless little baby with a heart that had stopped beating two weeks ago.

Today, I went to Holy Thursday Mass. Still carrying the baby, but I sensed vacancy and emptiness even though his/her body was still there. I received communion. I thought about Jairus' daughter who was so clearly dead but Jesus, almost non-chalantly said, "She's just sleeping" and brought her back to life (as if that were a really easy mistake to make). Or Peter who healed Tabitha...Peter, whose power comes from Christ, the same Christ I just received in communion. I thought, "Lord, if this baby comes to back to life and it's a girl, we'll name her Tabitha! Wouldn't that be an amazing story to tell! Her very name will be a way to spread the glory of God." And if it's a boy, we'll name him Lazarus! Or maybe, just his middle name...Lazarus as a first name is kind of weird. But a middle name will still get the point across. Lazarus, the man dead for days and Jesus brought him back from the dead! The same Jesus I just received in communion! The very same person! I believe He is the same! No less powerful, no less capable of miracles! How can Jesus get any closer to touch my baby's body than receiving communion?

At the procession of the Blessed Sacrament, the priest passed us by, carrying the Eucharist. He passed us right by, like Peter's shadow healing the people in Acts...people were healed..because of Peter! But someone greater than Peter is here, passing by, and not just his shadow, but His real presence!

Lord! You can do it! It would be so cool! What a neat story! What makes these people, Tabitha, Lazarus, Jairus' daughter more important than my baby? My baby can grow to spread the gospel too..He or she can give you glory. He or she can make a difference! You can do it!

Yes, He can.

But Holy Thursday never ends without seamlessly flowing into Good Friday. Good Friday the day when Jesus' power, his ability, his resolve and purpose are put to the test. "Get down from the cross." He can! But He doesn't...yet. "Save yourself and us" He can! But He doesn't...yet. God can do all these things, He can bring this baby back to life, He can perform any miracle and answer any and every person who petitions Him for His display of power. But sometimes He does and sometimes He doesn't...yet.

And though I want to hold it against him for letting some live or some walk, or some see...but not everyone, how can I when He withheld His miraculous demonstration of strength and power even from Himself?

I'm running off to the bathroom crying and whining to a God who not only understands, but dealt himself a far worse hand than He's dealt me.

And when I run off and cry to this God insisting that he should do it, leveling reason after reason why it would be amazing if he did do it, I can't help but laugh at my smallness of mind when I realize I'm talking to a God that is notorious for having bigger plans. He knows what He's doing. He knew what He was doing when he didn't come off that cross. He knew something better would follow.

And if I can spend my whole life following this God and believing in Him...if I can spend Lent after Lent, Good Friday after Good Friday and still not learn my lesson that God has his reasons and those reasons are good, those reasons demonstrate His power more than my reasons would, that those reasons are for a greater good, well, then, it's a good thing there's next year so I can have a chance to try to learn the lesson all over again.

Oh...Good Friday. I wish you didn't come. Because if you didn't, I could whine guiltlessly to a Savior I just didn't think understood suffering. I could bargain endlessly about why it's always better to just make suffering and sadness go away and dispel with the Cross. If you didn't exist, you ironically named Day, then I could bend the ear as one of your "little people" who you don't know what it is to be like.

Oh...Easter Sunday. Some days, when I like to wallow in my pity. I even sometimes wish you didn't come. Because if you didn't, I could boldly suggest that my idea is better. I could say that suffering isn't worth it. I could talk about how great it would be to settle for a lesser kind of good and a lesser kind of glory.

But Good Friday. Here you are. You've already begun. And on this night when I suffer, I can look and see this confusing image of my Savior who suffered. Who saves me not from the suffering, but saves me in the suffering.

And Easter Sunday. I know you are coming. You come every year, because you came on that First Year. And I am glad you are coming. Because when I play it all out in my head about amazing miracles, and death-defying rescues, I still feel the emptiness. I still remember the stillness on that ultrasound screen. I know when you come, you'll be bright, and joyful and full of sunshine and Alleluias. And the part of me that wants to cry and fuss and convince you that my way is better, will think about another kind of emptiness: The emptiness of that tomb.

And I know Your way is better, and even more amazing and more miraculous than mine.

Working on his focus....

Michael is VERY well behaved at Mass. Whether it be a quick daily Mass, or a longer Sunday Mass, he measures up to anyone's standards of good behavior almost all the time. He knows all the words (even the priest's, and he sometimes tries to compete with him!), he sings the songs (even tries to learn the responsorial psalm each day), he kneels when it's time to kneel, and prayers for his friends and family after communion.

But sometimes, especially on Sundays when the promise of donuts after Mass weighs heavily on his mind, he can lose focus.

Today, a few minutes before Mass ended, he turned to me and very loudly whispered, "Mommy! We're gonna get donuts after Mass, ok? Sounds like a good idea?"

So, don't let his piety fool you all the time, like the rest of us, his mind sometimes wanders to more earthly treasures...

Excitement for the Day

* Alternative title: My husband is abounding in Fortitude

This afternoon we went to one of our friend's birthday party. She just turned 1. She is one of Michael and Matthew's closest friends and they love little Clare so much. We had a great party and all the little kids (ours included, thankfully!) behaved perfectly!

After the party was done, it was getting close to dinner time and I was kind of tired so we decided to do a little drive-thru to give me a break.

Wouldn't you know, I just so happen to think we were in the right place at the right time because when we got in line, we noticed the lady in front of us was driving a little erratically in the drive-thru lane!. (Yeah, it's bad when you can't even drive straight at 1mph in a drive-thru lane).

So, after she hit the drive-thru sign indicating where the entrance is to the lane nearly hit us as she backed up to correct herself, tried 2 more times to get it right....and then bumped the car in front of her...we knew this was not just something we could let go.

Michael got out of the car, talked to the drive-thru window guy taking the money, talked to the guy who got bumped, and talked to the lady (all in the drive-thru lane mind you!), he got back in the car. The lady in front of us pulled forward to pay for her order, but couldn't even orient her car properly to pay. She hit the curb coming in at such a weird angle and then scraped her car as she pulled forward again.

The drive-thru guy, at Michael's request, told his manager, but wasn't able/willing to do more about the situation than just laugh and say, "Boy! Did you see her, she couldn't even drive straight!" So, this is perplexing...imagining this woman driving on the road where, as Michael put, things are actually moving...because as it is she's hitting things that are stationary. So at that point, we called 911. We had a good position to give the license plate and what-not, but time was running out because she was next in line to get her food!

So Michael got out of the car, I took the driver's seat, and then, with police on the way, Michael insisted that she not get on the road, after she got her food, Michael stood between her car and the road and directed her to a parking space while we waited for the cops.

Fortunately, an officer was one block away so he was there immediately, like, by the time I was done getting our food. So he found Michael, and then questioned the lady. In about 2 minutes, two more officers were there. Way to go San Diego police!

They talked with her for a few minutes, and asked us to wait. They took our information and kept that lady hanging on for quite some time but let us go home and eat dinner. They called us later to get our full statement.

The officer said he smelled alcohol on her breath and she admitted to having "a little Chardonnay" earlier in the afternoon. The officer said, "It seems like she's done this routine before with the police."

Anyways, that's our excitement for the day. We are grateful that we were where we were so we could do our part to keep this lady off the road and hopefully from hurting herself, her foreign-exchange student from Japan passenger, or someone else.

My thoughts on it all:
1) Michael has so much fortitude. He wasn't going to let this go or allow this to be someone else's responsibility. He knew the stakes were high and did everything he could to make sure she wasn't going on the road.
2) I'm glad it was a lady. I think drunk ladies probably are different than drunk guys. I didn't want a confrontation with Michael, and I think that would be more likely to happen with a man.
3) I wish the restaurant were more proactive. They didn't really seem to care.
4) Michael could have gotten hurt. She could have run him over trying to get away, or anything. He knew it was his responsibility to stop her even taking a risk. I'm glad all guardian angels involved (his, hers and the passenger) helped her be docile to Michael's "commands", pull off and wait for the police.
5). The police officers were great.
6) The gift of fortitude is both something from God (one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit!) but also requires the will to comply and practice. I've never known Michael do avoid doing something right because he was afraid of the consequences. He has lived a life of fortitude and knowing that makes me love him more and more and admire him as a father, especially to teach our boys such virtues.

"Stee"

Kids are great at inventing words.

Of course, in our family, we don't even think twice about the fact that "Gak" Michael's word for hot chocolate, is something we hear everyday...."Gak" is a totally made-up word, really has nothing to do with hot chocolate, and quite frankly, sounds a little disgusting. But, that's how it is. This is Michael's word for his favorite drink which really functions like most people's coffee. He can't really start his day without it, and since it seems like the only way to get milk in his system, I'm fine with it.

And Matthew is not less talented at making up words and making them part of the family vocabulary.

Meet "Stee."



It's a red helicopter. The most coveted toy in our home. So coveted, Michael went to the store to buy a second one, but of course that one mysteriously disappeared so we are back to the battle of the red "Stee."

I don't know why Matthew calls it "stee" but he is determined that this is what heliciopters are. When he sees one in the sky, he yells "STEEEE!!!! STEEEEE!!"

Michael Jr has now adopted the word and so it is falling into common usage in the home.

Each helicopter in the home has its own name: Brown Stee, White Stee, the coveted Red Stee, Yellow Stee and Green Stee. Michael can clearly articulate which one he wants, but Matthew uses syllables to describe each stee that is particular to each color. I suppose it takes a mother's ear, but the funny thing is, I know what he means.

At some point, we will have to correct it, but goodness, it's so darn cute the way they say it and that it's something that we'll remember long after they outgrow it.

In the meantime, next time you see a helicopter, feel free to call say it loud and proud: "STEEEE!!!"

Favorite Foods

Michael and Matthew's eating habits really couldn't be more different.

It's hard to think of Michael's favorite food (as in main course) because something he gobbles up one meal, he'll refuse the next (though after a few minutes of pondering, we did note one exception to this rule being my dad's steak dubbed "Poppi's steak."

It's hard to think of Matthew's favorite food, because he gobbles so many foods up with so much enthusiasm, it's hard to know what is his favorite. You know, what do I prepare for birthdays and feast days that he will like especially? Pasta? Steak? Quesadillas? Lasagna? Hamburgers? Matthew loves all of these with almost equal fervor I don't know what his "favorite" is.

Perhaps Matthew is far less selective because I started him on a wider of variety of flavors sooner. Matthew, maybe once or twice ate anything with the name "Gerber" on it. Mostly, we just mashed or blended up whatever we were having very early on. Even the fruits I made him were hand-prepared so they had a much less processed texture, probably making him more open to different things.

They both eat well enough. They both love fruits and veggies and by the end of the day, they get enough protein that I'm satisfied. Carbs aren't even a question (except Michael hates potatoes that are not in the form of a chip or french fry. Super-healthy, I know!). However, I wish I could see Michael becoming a little more adventurous in terms of his likes. He is very quick to turn his nose up at the things outside his regular rotation of food. He won't do soups, I really have to work to get him to eat a sandwich (that's not a hamburger or grilled cheese (again, super healthy, huh). Thankfully, we recently discovered his love of peanut butter which is among the few things for which he'll ask for seconds.

Fortunately, I very early on realized (thanks again, Baby Whisperer!) how much eating for him can be a power struggle as much as it can be for nourishment. Michael likes control. He doesn't want me to have control, and he know that what goes in his mouth is something he ultimately has control over. I definitely don't stress out over it since I've seen him eat hardly anything, go to bed, and still wake up at the regular time in the morning and not complain about how famished he is....and I've seen him eat more food in one sitting than I often see him eat in a whole day. I know it all works out. He knows how to ask for a snack in between meals, and he knows that he gets more of what he likes if he at least attempts something he would rather not eat at the moment.

I guess I just would love to see him one day say, "What's for dinner, Mom?" and me announce some entree' and have him be really excited about it, eat it eagerly, and want seconds. I wish I felt more comfortable experimenting and introducing new foods without just knowing he won't even be remotely interested. Even though I know he's fine and won't starve (especially because he gets side dishes each meal so at least he'll eat something), it's kind of deflating to prepare a meal and have someone not even want to try it!

Maybe it's just a toddler thing, but as July inches closer and I'm starting to think of a great birthday menu, aside from getting my dad to come down and cook him up a juicy steak...what's going to make a great meal for Michael? And while November is still quite some time away, I don't even know where to begin narrowing down Matthew's menu to his *favorite* foods.

These two boys....I really wonder if they could possibly be any more different!

I love this kid...

He's Getting So Big!

My little Matthew....why are you doing this to me?

Please stop getting so big!

Ok. Well, the pacifier helps make you look a little younger. Thanks.

Matthew is getting bigger and bigger each day. He finally got a third tooth this week....his walking is getting better and better and I often find him standing in the middle of the room looking around waiting for lots of and lots of praise for walking like a big boy (which he gets, of course).

His vocabulary includes:

Mama
Daddy
Ducky
Birdie
Cheese
"T" (as in the letter..he likes that letter, it's his favorite)
Star
Moon
Matthew
"pray for us!"
"Brush you teeth"
Kitty
Doggie
Please
Thank you
More Water
Milk
Shoes

I think I've left a few things out...but it gives you a good idea. He's a babbler with a very high little voice that suits his personality.

He's a little lovebug, often giving kisses to whoever he can. His kisses usually consist of going up to his intended object of affection and butting it with his head and saying in a prolonged way, "N-n-n-n-nuh!" He loves kisses his brother, especially while Michael is helpless during a diaper change.

Matthew is a hearty eater of the highest order. He is rarely ever picky and seems to take to devouring his food with a degree of seriousness. Like it's his job. Meanwhile his brother dilly-dallies during most meals, stalling as long as possible.



Matthew is just a little sweetheart. He's sensitive, yet determined and can be a bit whiny at times. But that doesn't diminish his cuteness (well, maybe for a few minutes it does). Matthew continues to be an excellent sleeper and a steady napper, unless his brother who has nearly giving up the practice entirely.



Our little Moo. What a gift!

Are You My Mother?

Michael and I were reading this book before his naptime.

I asked him, "Do you have a mother?"

"Yes" he replied.

"Who is your mother?" I asked.

"Daddy."

:/

Catechism Class

Michael Jr has a great memory. We've discovered that an early age by his language skills and his ability to memorize very lengthy bedtime stories word for word.

So we decided to put his memory to good use and get him started on his catechism.

In case you aren't fluent in toddler-ese or theological terms, the answers to the questions are:

1. "The Holy Trinity"

2. "Transubstantiation" (we had to go back and get that one a second time at the end of the video since I caught him mid-drink)

3. "The Hypostatic Union" (his assessment that the "hypostatic union is good" is all his own though and this was the first time he said that. Not sure where he got it, but I'll go with it! It is good that Jesus is fully God and fully man!)

4. "The Blessed Virgin Mary"

Matthew likes to chime in these days too. When we start asking questions, he'll get a BIG smile on his face and rattle off answers...of course, it is just babbling, but it is very confident babbling in the same intonation and rhythm as the answers Michael gives. It's cute and he's SO proud of himself!

This video was taken a few months ago. Since then he has added the following questions:

"What is the source and summit of the Christian life?"

--The Holy Eucharist.

"Who inspired the Bible?"

--The Holy Spirit.

"Who is the Pope?"

--Benedict the Sixteenth.

Hey, if kids can memorize songs, catch phrases of their favorite toy car (Kachow!) or all the other things kids can do, why not give them a head start on the language of their faith? Of course it is way to soon for them to understand the concepts, but the more they hear it, the sooner those bridges between words and meanings will form!

First Steps!!

Matthew took his first steps today!

Unfortunately, we weren't able to catch it on camera, but we were so happy that he did it when Michael was home. Michael was holding his hands in the hallway while I was kneeling down a foot or two away...I encouraged Matthew to come and he stumbled toward me. A few attempts later, he stumbled back to his dad!

He was very proud of himself!

Michael Jr. of course had to demonstrate his ability to walk expertly a few times as well by running down the hallway into our arms, of course expecting praise and adulation as well...which he got even though he's already and expert biped....

His little legs got tired fast, but was able to do it (and by "it" I mean falling forward but happening to move his feet once or twice before he is caught by Mom or Dad, which is what we are calling "taking steps" around here) once more before the night ended, unfortunately again, not while being filmed.

We're proud of the little Moo!