What makes these videos special to me, is that when I saw them...in fact, when I was recording them, they seemed to me to be one of those videos I will watch over and over again when I'm 60 wondering where the time has gone. In fact, as I was recording them, I actually lived that future moment. And I cried.
I mean I sobbed. I ran off to my room and cried in my pillow harder than I've cried in a long time as I saw myself sitting at my computer (or whatever new-fangled technology we'll have in 20 years), the house empty as the children have grown, watching these very videos of the boys being...well, themselves.
As I shot these videos, I felt the full weight of the fact that these days are limited. That someday, I will be watching these videos at their wedding reception and realizing how quickly their formative years were over.
In these very few minutes which captures the boys' personalities so completely, I felt like I looked up from the phone and made eye contact with my future self, and it felt like time had bent and I realized that that future time is not really all that far away.
In between my sobs, I felt regret for all the times I didn't enjoy the daily routine, or their antics. I felt regret for the times when I've waited for this or that particular trying stage of development to be over because of how much it wore on my patience.
Someday the carefree days of their playing superheroes all day long and wanting nothing but my attention would be over. They will grow and find other things fascinating. They will not be carefree but will have struggles and heartaches. They will care less about my attention or even want to run from it.
I've watched these videos over and over, and every time, I see that day when I'm not watching these videos amidst the chaos of life with young children, but I'm watching them in an empty house; I see that day getting closer and closer.
These little souls. Given to me to be their mother. I hope each day my present self can learn to take a bit of advice I'm sure my future self would beg and plead to convince me of: enjoy it, relax, soak in their personalities. You can't go back and relive these times.
