One of *Those* Home Videos

I have had these videos in my phone for about 6 months. In fact, a few times I have misplaced my phone and the thought that immediately comes to mind is: If I lose that phone, I will lose the two most valuable videos I think I have ever taken. Thankfully, I finally put them on my computer, so, God willing, they are relatively safe from being lost.

What makes these videos special to me, is that when I saw them...in fact, when I was recording them, they seemed to me to be one of those videos I will watch over and over again when I'm 60 wondering where the time has gone. In fact, as I was recording them, I actually lived that future moment. And I cried.


I mean I sobbed.  I ran off to my room and cried in my pillow harder than I've cried in a long time as I saw myself sitting at my computer (or whatever new-fangled technology we'll have in 20 years), the house empty as the children have grown, watching these very videos of the boys being...well, themselves.

As I shot these videos, I felt the full weight of the fact that these days are limited. That someday, I will be watching these videos at their wedding reception and realizing how quickly their formative years were over.

In these very few minutes which captures the boys' personalities so completely, I felt like I looked up from the phone and made eye contact with my future self, and it felt like time had bent and I realized that that future time is not really all that far away.

In between my sobs, I felt regret for all the times I didn't enjoy the daily routine, or their antics. I felt regret for the times when I've waited for this or that particular trying stage of development to be over because of how much it wore on my patience.

Someday the carefree days of their playing superheroes all day long and wanting nothing but my attention would be over. They will grow and find other things fascinating. They will not be carefree but will have struggles and heartaches. They will care less about my attention or even want to run from it.

I've watched these videos over and over, and every time, I see that day when I'm not watching these videos amidst the chaos of life with young children, but I'm watching them in an empty house; I see that day getting closer and closer.

These little souls. Given to me to be their mother. I hope each day my present self can learn to take a bit of advice I'm sure my future self would beg and plead to convince me of: enjoy it, relax, soak in their personalities. You can't go back and relive these times.

Well, I watched these videos several times since beginning this blog post, and I need some tissue...

Imitation

Molly has gotten into the habit of standing with her hands on her back a la an 8 month pregnant lady. Wonder where she got that from....

Update: Upon seeing this picture, Matthew exclaims, "That looks just like Mommy!"

Yikes! I should be more conscious of this!

Snack Time

A new stage in parenting when the kids can grab their own bowls and own snacks and help themselves all without my third-trimester self not having to leave the couch. I like.

Sibling Time

Love it.

Zombie Apocalypse

Molly is just beginning to walk, but she is not in the least bit good at it.

She usually has her hands out like a zombie and her legs are real stiff like Frankenstein's Monster.

When she does walk, the boys must show their support by walking with her mimicking her awkward style so I am usually facing a wave out kids walking toward me, arms outstretched and I either feel the need to take a picture or run before they eat my brains.

On Waiting...

So, we've been waiting for a long time to get news on a house we would like to buy.

It's a hard type of waiting because it's either: Yes, you got the house! Hooray! or No, you didn't get it and you have to start the whole process all over. There's no real middle ground.

It's like, proposing to a person and waiting for them to answer for 7 months, and it's not like the answer is, well, I'm not get ready to get married yet, but let's keep dating. The answer is just simply, "No, and let's not see each other at all anymore, now get out of my face."  And you get to start over trying to "meet new people."

I know acquiring a piece of property is not as important as marriage, but I can't really think of a lot that comes close to the level of anticipation we are feeling waiting for an answer.  Especially now as the answer we are waiting for is quite literally coming any day now.

So, waiting for the past several months has been difficult, but we weren't necessarily waiting by the phone all the time. It's akin to the person you proposed to going off to Europe for six months. You're waiting, but you don't really expect an answer at any given moment. But then that person gets back from Europe and is ready to tell you "Yes" or "No."  And you sit by the phone, and you check your e-mail, and you make sure the kids didn't toddle off with the phone or that you didn't put it on silent so you don't miss the call that will one way or the other, alter the course of your life in a pretty significant way.

We have been in that spot for a week now. There was a flurry of paperwork submission and we've been in that "any day, any moment now" mode every since. And it has been hard.

And we've gone through various exercises in detachment and various cycles of preparing for the answer to be "No."  We've spotted another property that looks promising that wouldn't be a bad alternative if the answer was No, but if we wait too long that property probably will not be there. The market is hot right now and things are moving fast.

Through all this, the obvious lesson is trust.  And it's funny. I have no problem (at least intellectually) trusting that if we don't get the house we want, that there will be tremendous good that will come from it. I don't feel "owed" this house and like it was taken away from me.  It's a great house, and I'd love to have it, but if we don't get it, I won't feel betrayed or like someone wasn't being fair. There are a stack of ways not having the house will be a relief (there are snakes in that area, it's near a canyon, and hence could be at risk for fires, it will stretch our finances to an uncomfortable level).

But you know, right now, my lesson is waiting for an answer. Any answer. We're not sleeping well at night, I've been nauseated pretty much all day, and I don't think five minutes go by where I'm not thinking about my phone to make sure it's within earshot.  There is some relief when 5 o'clock rolls around because at least I know we won't hear anything until the next day, but there is inevitably disappointment too when 5 o'clock rolls around because it means another evening and night of waiting for an answer and waking the next day hoping that day will be different.

One of these days, one of these hours, the phone will ring and the answer will be on the other line. And when I see our real estate agent's name pop up, it will both the phone call we've been waiting for, and at the same time the phone call we've been dreading. It's either news we'll be thrilled to get, or news we'll receive with a good dose of disappointment as we battle our emotions to fall in line with all the work our intellects have been doing knowing that we can trust in God, that He has never  nor will never let us down.

Right now, either option is possible.  We still could get the house, the answer hasn't been decided yet (to our knowledge). But once that call comes, the direction of our next steps have been chosen and the new phase has begun. Maybe at the time my phone rings with the realtor on the other line, this time of two possibilities won't feel nearly as despicable and I'll long for a time when there was still hope and we could still entertain our dream house, and still go on Pinterest and plan for how I want to decorate each room.

Anyway, I've killed about 10 minutes of that waiting time rambling on to you, you poor reader (there's probably only one of who you made it to the end of this anyways!).

Thanks for the distraction!

My Little Artist

Motor control has always been Matthew's strong suit..look at his letters as he practices writing the fruit of the spirit for the day!