Crying it Out (?)

I am writing this blog to distract myself from the baby crying in the next room. It hurts.

However, it is his nap time, and after tending to all his physical needs, I'm attempting to practice the suggestion of Dr. Marc Weissbluth, author of "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and putting Michael to sleep when it's nap time, and not letting him convince me that it's time to play. Ugh. It hurts.

He's not hungry, he's got a clean diaper, and he has been burped. He's swaddled up tight. Michael just doesn't want to be alone. But he needs to sleep.He's been up for two hours, and he's showing signs of being tired: droopy eyes, yawning, etc. I put him to bed with his eyes closed, but he opened them again a few minutes after laying him down.

His cries seem to be telling me, "Mommy, I want to sleep, but not by myself. Hold me!"

But baby Michael needs to learn to take naps in his crib....right? A well-rested child is a happier child, right?

Well, I'll give him a few more minutes of crying and then I'll go in there and ask him what he needs. I just don't want to go in there because what I will find will be tears on my baby's cheeks that I put there because I didn't hold him all the time like he wanted to be held.

It hurts!!

5-Minute Later Update: He broke free of his swaddle...that's why he was mad. I re-swaddled him and now he's sleeping. Time for a shower!

Getting Braver

I have typically been a pretty on-the-move type of person. Though I have been known to like a nice relaxing day at home, there are very few days in the past few years that I just stay in all day and don't go out and do something.

Now with a baby, I find myself GRATEFUL when I don't have errands to run. It's not because I like sitting in the house watching daytime soap operas all day and am finally grateful for the excuse to do so...that's not even close to what I do all day....but I have just become a little intimidated by bringing a baby around the town.

I guess, in my mind, a baby crying is a big crisis, when in reality, it's not that big of a deal. Michael is a very easy baby in the sense that he really only cries when he is hungry, or when he just wants to be in someone's arms and bounced around a little bit. Certainly, two things I can easily solve pretty much anywhere. Even if I need to just go to my car and nurse him so I can have a little privacy, that is actually a pretty easy thing to do.

I just build it up in my head to be much much worse than it really is. So in the past few days, I have been getting a bit braver. I went to Costco on Friday to get my tires rotated and filled with air, a trip that started off well because little Michael wasn't too upset and we got done with a good deal of ease...but ended up being a whole day event because they forgot to put the valve on or close it or something, and the tire was flat about an hour later...which meant, you guessed it, another trip to Costco to wait for another hour while they fixed the tires again.

But, you know, even that time it worked out very well and little Michael was pretty content the whole time.

Today, I ventured to the grocery store for the first time, and as much as I have been delaying it for weeks and weeks, I finally did it and it went really well!

I knew I couldn't leave Michael in the car seat while I shopped, because unless he is in a pretty deep sleep, I just don't think there would be enough motion with the cart to keep him content in there. He would wake up and want to be held.

So I used the little Baby Bjorn carrier, strapped him in, and he was pretty happy almost the whole time. He got a little whiny towards the end, but there were no explosive cries and no major crises. So I got grocery shopping done for the first time since he's been born. I'm getting better at this!

So, anyway, I am starting to realize that I can't put my whole life, all my errands and everything on hold. And, most importantly, I am starting to realize that little Michael will be OK with me carrying on and taking care of things that need to be taken care of.

Here's to getting braver and more adventurous so I can lead Michael on more adventures and fun sights in life!

A Video for your enjoyment

Here is a cute video of Michael, dedicated to Monika, who bought him this mobile:

One Year Ago Today......

I love you Michael!!

...and I love what this first year has brought us!!

Great Checkup: 2 Lbs in 2 Weeks

Well, it has been a busy week, the highlight of which, being little Michael and little Peter's baptism on Saturday! It was a GREAT day, with lots of friends and family, and truly an honor to be a part of God's grace filling the souls of these two little boys! What a huge responsibility, both being a parent and a godparent. But we are SO looking forward to introducing these boys to the goodnews of Jesus Christ, and watching and praying as God's grace works in their lives, and doing whatever we can, as limited, sinful people, to help foster God's grace. Please pray for us!



After the baptism, we hung out with Michael's family for a while, and then went to Aunt Wheetah and David's house and spent time there. It was great seeing Gramma (G.G-short for Great Grandma), mom, dad, David's mom, and ALL the Campbell kids. Jack and Thomas were at their charming-est, and little Peelo was ensnaring us all in the cuteness of his little coos. It was SO much fun "talking" with him...I can't wait until Michael reaches that stage too!

I didn't have a camera, so I don't have any pictures for the Baptism...maybe someone can send some along to us!

In other news, our little man is over a month old and GROWING. The last visit to the doctor, he was 9lbs 5 oz. In just a little over 2 weeks, he grew to 11 lbs 6 oz. and up half an inch in length. So yes, that is a pound a week. It's funny because I'm really seeing the weight and feeling it. When I pick up Michael, I'm aware of how much more substantial he is! I also am noticing how much more of a butterball he is becoming. In his car seat, or on my lap after nursing, he just looks "big."

Little Michael is spending much more time awake and is starting to really respond to stimulation with smiles. He is SO cute! He is also occasionally cooing....not anything like his cousin, but making little sounds here and there. I think it is accidental at this point, but soon I think he will learn to control it and be able to coo in response to us.

His temperment varies from pretty easy (as long as he is eating constantly) to sometimes fussy. The doctor suspects colic (doh!) but at this point, it is pretty mild. It occurs mostly in the evenings. Fortunately for me, since he is pretty happy during the day, and I can enlist Michael Sr to help when he is here in the evening after work. Not so fortunate for Michael, who lately has been coming home to a fussy kid. The days where I can just feed him and pass him off to Michael and he can just sleep there for hours on his lap may be coming to a close, or at least put on pause for now. In fact, that is true for me during the day. I try to feed him and get him to a point where he can just fall asleep on me, and that is becoming more difficult to do. He either wants to stay awake, he just gets fussy, or he is asleep for all of 10 minutes on me, and then wants to be doing something else....though what that is I do not know. It's a sign of his growth and expanding his repertoire of things to do during the day, but at the same time, it is a little sad for me, like I mentioned in an earlier post. Could it be that our snuggly little baby is becoming more independent?

Michael is having a little trouble sleeping for longer periods during the night. I've noticed that in the past few days, it is no longer typical for me to get three or four hour stretches of sleep. They are more like 1.5 to 2 hours. Most of the time, he's up because he needs to nurse. But towards the earlier morning (like around 5 or 6 am) he doesn't want to nurse, he just needs to be "tucked in" or held for a minute and he'll go back to sleep. It's nice that he doesn't need a full meal, but still, it would be nicer if he would just let Mommy and Daddy sleep the whole way through.

Michael Sr. is so good. Usually, at 6 in the morning, I'm pretty wearied because I was JUST up with him, so Michael will get up and get him to go back to sleep. I feel bad because he has work to go to and I don't at this point, but, I"ll be honest, at the moment it happens, I don't feel that bad and grateful I can just roll over and go to sleep for a few more minutes. Admittedly, I have greeted the baby's early morning sound effects to a loud sigh, or a groan "I just fed you!" I should work on a more cheerful disposition, I think.

The reason little Michael keeps getting up, I'm convinced, is because of his love-hate relationship with swaddling. Michael NEEDS to be swaddled in order to go to sleep in his crib, but he also spends a great deal of effort trying to get out of the swaddle. But once he gets his arms free, he wakes up! However, when we tried a blanket with velcro that made it impossible for him to get his arms out, he HATED it. It's the weirdest, and getting to be the most frustrating thing. I find myself, when I see those little arms surfacing, begging him to stop breaking free! He hates his arms being free so much...so why does he do it so persistently?

Oh well. He's just a baby and doesn't know any better. It's certainly not calculated. But, when the cause of his waking up every 1.5 to 2 hours seems have nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with his arms being once again free....it drives me crazy! And now that he's getting bigger and presumably stronger, swaddling him and keeping him swaddled is more and more of a battle.

Well...if this is my biggest problem in life, then, I'm pretty lucky. So, I get to hold the baby a few extra times in the middle of the night. In a few months or years, I will be craving those extra moments of closeness. We have a healthy, playful, growing, charming, BAPTIZED baby...if a pair of feisty little arms is my biggest worry in life, then I have no right to complain!!

Thank you, Lord, for blessing us with such a wonderful little boy!

Why We Don't Co-Sleep

There are a lot of different philosophies on how to put children to sleep. Books are written on the subject, and every parent has their own technique on the best way to put a child to bed. Cribs, bassinets, bouncy chairs, and co-sleeping are among the top ways parents list in how to get a child to sleep.

On collecting advice from parents, especially during the first two weeks when Michael Jr. was having a hard time sleeping, several parents suggested taking a child to bed and having him sleep with the parents. People talk about the great deal of good, comfort, and security that comes from having the child sleep with Mommy and Daddy, not to mention the convenience of being able to breastfeed without having to get up.

However, as the title of the post indicates, we don't co-sleep and I'm almost positive we can say that we never will. The reason? It has nothing to do with a disagreement on the philosophy, insisting on our own space, or anything like that. There is one primary reason why we don't and won't go sleep:

I'm delusional.

Seriously. In the past few weeks (especially since I've been sleeping in my own bed rather than in the hospital or on the couch like the first two weeks) , very few nights have gone by which I haven't woken up in a fit thinking that I have rolled over on the baby, or that the baby isn't breathing or that he has fallen off the bed.

What makes this crazy is that we don't take the baby to bed. Yet I'm still convinced that he is in our bed and has been squished, suffocated or dropped on the ground.

These delusions are not just dreams, but they are accompanied by me thinking various objects in the bed are the baby. It's not like I have a nightmare and then wake up...I'm awake (though barely), and I fixate on some object in the bed and convince my brain that it is Michael Jr. Then I spend several seconds (sometimes minutes!) staring at it, touching it and shaking the object trying to get it wake up and start breathing again.

Here are the various things in bed that I have mistaken for the baby:

One of the first things I thought was the baby was this red pillow. In my state of half-wakefulness, I somehow construed the redness of the pillow for the red face of a baby that was smothered and struggling to breathe. It took several minutes for me to realize that this was a pillow and not a child.

This was one of two instances in which I thought a pillow was a baby. The second time happened just this weekend when I thought the pillow that was about to fall off the edge of the bed was the baby. Yeah, that really freaked me out.

The next thing was my body pillow, "Snoogle" (the company's name for it, not mine). Yes. It is large, white and looks nothing like a baby. But that didn't stop me from totally freaking out one night thinking that it was little Michael, and that I was laying on him.

They have the same name, and apparently, in my mind, the fact that they are 30 years apart in age still isn't enough for me to tell the difference. One night, I felt Michael Sr's arm and thought that it was the baby. I was in a total panic wondering how the baby got into bed...but by now it was too late. He must have been in bed for hours because all I know is that I just woke up...so since he is in our bed, he must have been in there for a long time, and now he's covered with blankets, and no doubt has suffocated. This time, I woke Michael Sr up pawing at him (because I thought he was the baby) and rambling on and on about how the baby is in the bed. Certainly not the sort of thing Michael wants to wake up to, because he doesn't know that I'm delusional yet. For all he knows, with me going on and on about the baby being in the bed, and me convinced the baby is him, he is the one that has to figure out that no, the baby is not in bed, and his wife is just crazy.

And this one was by far the worst instance of this little syndrome that I have. Imagine, it being 3 in the morning...I had just gotten to bed maybe an hour and a half before on a marathon of sleepness nights, so I'm running real thin on sleep and brain capacity. I "wake up" (of course, I'm only half awake) and see a figure in the bed with arms, legs, and roughly the size of a newborn (never mind the floppy ears, oversized nose, feet and dress which should have tipped me off). This figure is in the bed face down near where our pillows are. I grab the "baby" (Minnie Mouse) and realize that it's not breathing. It is lying still, lifeless. I need to resuscitate the baby because I brought it into bed, it suffocated in the pillows and now it isn't breathing.

So, I start poking at it, pressing on it, nudging it, trying to get it to breathe. Finally, at a panic, I can't handle this on my own, I wake up Michael Sr, sleeping peacefully next to me and announce "Michael! The baby isn't breathing!"

Imagine if you are my poor husband...you are asleep, and all of a sudden you hear your wife exclaim that the baby isn't breathing. You wake up to see her prodding something...but it's dark so you can't exactly see what it is. Poor Michael! What a terrible thing to wake up to!

Finally, my husband, ever with his head on straight realized that what I thought was Michael Jr was in fact Minnie Mouse. "Honey, honey, it's not the baby! He's in his crib! It's just a stuffed animal."

So you can see, if this is how I respond even though I have not brought the baby to bed, and therefore should automatically know that whatever I think is the baby couldn't possibly be the baby..Imagine if we did bring him to bed!

Poor Michael. His crazy wife. Who knows what crazy things I will put him through tonight!

Taking Time to Soak it In

I've posted the last couple of times on how little Michael keeps me pretty occupied all day (note: not busy, just detained), and how nice it is that he is sleeping, and how great it is when Daddy Michael comes and I get things done...and the sense of accomplishment I feel when I put the baby down in his swing and bustle around the apartment...

I began to notice that many times, I really look forward to times when the baby is sleeping, and I thought to myself...what am I doing? We've been looking forward to this baby for so long, and now I just want him to sleep?! That's crazy! Don't get me wrong, babies need sleep, lots of sleep, so of course my goal as a good parent, I need to make sure he gets that so he can grow up well and be healthy. But, I need to make sure that I am not too anxious to put him in is crib, and not feel too relieved when I get a few moments away from my chair.

In fact, yesterday, after I had fed him and he was nice and sleepy, I was just about to get him all ready to put him in his bed for an afternoon nap so I could go get work done, and I decided I need to be less concerned about work for now and just spend time with my boy. So I put in a TV show, and just held him in my arms for a little while, relaxed and cuddled my little baby.

This gave me time to think: he falls asleep on me so well, but how long will this last? How long until he doesn't like to sleep on me? How long before cuddling with Mommy is no longer on his list of things that makes him happy and comfy? And now, reading Kathy's post about Jack growing up makes me realize that time goes by so fast!

So, despite needing to get things done, I have to remember that time goes by fast, and I need to take time to soak it all in!