But, hey, if you heard that word as often in the day as I do, you'd understand why it's on the brain a little bit.
But this post isn't about helicopters, as it is a style of parenting I just read about last night called, "helicopter parenting." Basically, it's where the parent "hovers" around the kid and micromanages his life.
This is a pejorative term used by the opponents of its approach and is often accompanied by stern warnings of kids who will end up being dependent, unable to fend for themselves, spoiled, and overall incompetent. It's scorned as a result of a middle-to-high-class lifestyle, and is often the bane of school teachers and administration due to the parents' over-involvement, meddling and controlling tendencies.
When I looked at some of the characteristics of a helicopter parent, I began to see some similarities to me...I mean, I keep an eye on my kids. I try to attend to my activities that don't involve them during the nap or bedtimes as much as possible so I can play with them when they are up, I am protective and plan to continue to be protective of what they watch and who their friends are...and I'm not terribly fond of leaving them with other people who aren't family, especially if they are awake (if it's just a sitter to stay in the apartment while they sleep, I don't really care who it is, so long as they know how to dial a phone, exit a burning building, or put a pacifier in a kid's mouth).
There is just no way I am not a helicopter parent according to some of these definitions! Of course, I don't intend to fight all my kids battles for them...I want them to be independent, I want them to be self-sufficient, to have adventures, to have friends and experiences and all the like...and I certainly want them to be able to live like a responsible adult when the time comes....but I really don't see how, at least for a majority of their childhood and formative years, I don't want to be really closely involved in their influences.
I mean, the fact that we are even considering homeschooling must make me SUPER helicopter-like, right? Talk about parental involvement!
I understand some of the negative consequences of being too smothering (being closely associated with a school and hearing some of the stories of young adults who can't seem to act like it!) makes me aware of wanting to equip my kids with the ability to make good choices on their own and not just because I am watching.
Yet in these articles against helicopter parenting, I can't help but detect a little smack of "anti-kid-ness" going on. You know, parents should let their do their own thing, not bother their teachers with suggestions on how to parent their unique child, let them watch what they want to watch and not feel the need to discuss it with them if it merits it, and kids should leave their parents' home at 18. I just detect in these critiques of "hovering" there is this sense that they are burdens and in the way of their parents' normal life.
In fact, one article talked about helicopter-parent burnout and how this has led to an increase in divorces because the couples don't have anytime for each other because they are busy hovering over their kids....and it identifies Moms as having decreased levels of happiness because they don't want to work, or don't want to have friends because of their responsibilities to their children.
And I think, maybe these parents just happen to like spending time with their kids...is that even a possibility? Maybe the parents aren't trying to smother or dominate (I know there are parents like that), but maybe the parents that are being labeled snidely as "helicopter parents" just care, and actually enjoy watching their kids grow up.
Does it make me a helicopter parent because I find it more interesting to watch my kids play and want to play with them, rather than watch TV so the kids can have some "unsmothered independent time?" When I dropped Michael off at a child-care room....two doors down from where I was attending a meeting, does it make me an unwise parent because I missed watching him play and was curious how he was interacting with other kids and that was probably much more interesting than the talk I was hearing at that time?
Maybe it does....but maybe I just like to watch them grow...and the thought of homeschooling is not so much because I have to protect them from the outside world...but more because I will miss my kids for 6 hours a day and I want to be an integral part of their knowledge of the world around them.
Maybe it makes me a helicopter parent because I care what they watch and I want them to be able to correctly process this world, with it's inextricable mix of the good and the bad. Maybe I want them to think critically about things and analyze them with me until I know they can have the right perspective.
Maybe I am like a helicopter, because the culture in many ways is so messed up that if I don't watch out for my kids, it's no longer possible to just presuppose that my neighbor will. If Tyra Banks can have a 15 year old girl appear on her show in front of a captive audience and talk about all her most intimate indiscretions, with no regard for that girl's future, her reputation, or even care about getting her mother's consent, why should I assume that our culture is oriented enough towards the good and upright to help me out. In many cases, people do look out for the good of each other, but in others, they either don't care, or want to pervert even the little ones (see the girls section of your local department stores for examples of sexy-fying the innocent..yuck!). Isn't there reason to assume now, unlike years past where there was a keener sense of decency and the common good, that others aren't looking out for my kids, so I better step it up even more? I think so.
So these critiques of helicopter parents may have some grounding, since there is a good deal of young adults who just seem pretty inept at taking care of things, but no doubt it goes too far. Because the sort of people they are labeling as helicopter parents may just love our kids, enjoy their company, enjoy the vocation we have to raise them, and don't want to leave it up to chance--or some other stronger more domineering influence like secular culture--that they get formed right.
4 comments:
Helicopter or regular...whatever style it is...keep it up!
I'll go ahead and call myself a helicopter parent... no shame in it! Hi, my name is Michelle, and I'm a helicopter germophobe mom who loves my kids so so much...and proud of it too! Of course, I don't want them to be naive and weird... but leaving them to fend for themselves throughout childhood doesn't mean they'll figure it out any better than if i help them navigate through it. Rather, it might even take a little longer and be a little more difficult to find the right way (like getting lost without a GPS). I know this from experience, being one of those kids whose parents (wonderful as they are) let her watch way too much tv (90210 in second grade, bad bad...) and figure a lot of stuff out on her own. Like I always tell my parents, "gosh mom and dad... if you had just homeschooled me, I could have been brilliant! No boy drama, no friend drama, no my-so-called-life drama... gosh! Thanks a lot!" hehe =)
Ooh, I've recently started hearing more about helicopter moms also. I think the total opposite philosophy is called "free range" parenting, which basically allows kids more freedom (maybe too much?) with the idea being that they'll develop more independence and confidence, etc. I think one Free Range type mom got a lot of criticism for letting her 9 y.o. son ride the NY subway home alone.
Of course, there's a sensible middle ground between the two, and everything I've seen from the way you parent puts you in that sensible middle. It's a balancing act, and like Noree said, whatever you're doing is working!
@ Noree: thanks!
@Michelle: Thanks for the backup! Rosie and Adelaide are lucky girls.
@Wheetah: I like the sound of free range just because it makes my kids sound like little sheep roaming in the field. Yeow! 9 years old? The subway in NY? So you're not going to let Jack do that in 2.5 years? Well, so much of what i've learned is from watching you. I often think, "How would Kathy handle this?" or "Kathy gets her kids to do that so I must be able to as well." Anyways....always about finding that balance. And then when you finally do, they'll all be grown up!
Post a Comment