12.5 Month and 3.5 Months BB Update

It's hard to believe it has already been half a month since Michael's birthday! If time keeps going this fast, Matthew will be here in no time flat!

Let's start with the youngest:

Baby Matthew seems to be doing well. He is kicking away, yet, it seems with a bit less tenacity than his brother kicked. Maybe I'm comparing him to Michael at the end of the pregnancy, but Matthew's kicks are a little less frequent and a little more gentle, at least at this point.

I also haven't had back pain like I did at this point with Michael. Oddly, with Michael, the back pain wasn't at the end of the pregnancy, but it was just one spot, on my right side just under the shoulder blade. One knot formed and each night, Michael Sr., being such a great husband, would always help try to alleviate the pressure, typically, at my request, by pushing his fist in that spot as hard as he could.

But so far, no such spot exists with Matthew. Maybe he just hasn't gotten in a spot yet to strain that muscle, or maybe the muscle got stretched out enough last time.

Other than that, not much to report on him! He seems to be doing well! Poor kiddo, though, I'm not even paying attention to how far along I am. With Michael, I could answer on any given day, "I am ___ weeks and __ days." With Matthew, I'm not even paying attention. Am I 24 weeks? 25? I don't even know.

Regardless, we can't wait for him to come. It will actually be less than 3.5 months...more like 3 months since C-sections are usually scheduled early. That, to me is crazy. Am I really in my third trimester?

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Baby Michael is busy as always. His eating is doing well. He is now in a big fruit phase (still working on those veggies. The occasional corn and broccoli is tolerable at this point), but eating other foods well too. I'm not too worried about his diet. He seems to get all that he needs and just looks so cute doing it. I love it when he takes a whole fistful of food and shoves it in his mouth. It is so cute...though sometimes unnverving because he isn't even done chewing one mouthful before he is cramming more in. I have to moderate every now and again.

His movement is getting very good. He likes to cruise on furniture, and loves holding on to someone's hands to walk. He moves his little legs as fast as they can go, and laughs the entire way. Then, he'll just decide that he's either done walking, or he's arrived at his intended destination and just sit down.

He has these lengthy conversations with things sometimes. Lately, it has been his sippy cup. He'll look at it and go on and on and on, inflecting his voice, raising his eyebrows and making different sounds. It is so funny to watch. I just sit back and imagine what he thinks he is saying.

We're definitely starting to communicate, which is fun. He loves the ceiling fan above the dining room table to be on...pretty much at all times. If it is off, he'll look up, point to it, and say something, I can't really imitate it on a keyboard. Maybe something to the effect of, "Go-gah?" It's a very sweet, questioning sort of voice, like, "Can you turn the fan on, please?" It's not demanding, but it is a clear request. I love it. I turn the fan off a lot just so he'll ask me again.

These beginnings of communication, I think, are so fun, but I can see how it may get frustrating for him. I can tell that he really thinks he is saying something that I'm supposed to understand. The look on his face,and the tone of his voice is clear, and I know he wants something, but there is nothing indicating what that is (unless it's the fan...got that one down). He keeps repeating himself, and all I can do is ask "What?" and try to troubleshoot what he might want. But I don't think I get it. Fortunately, he doesn't get mad. He just either keeps repeating himself, or moves on to something else.

His napping/sleeping are continuing to go well. He only naps in the afternoon now, which means that we have the mornings to do pretty much whatever we want. On the one hand, it is great because we can go to Mass, go to the park, run errands, etc without fear of interrupting a nap...on the other hand, it was nice having a little break in the morning. Now, I don't even have him in his bed for quiet time. I just keep him up until 1 for his one and only nap. Fortunately, that nap is getting pretty long...reliably at least an hour and a half, and has, even gone up to 3 hours. Nice.

Night time sleep is great as always. He regularly gets up after 7 now. It's great. I'll enjoy it while I can until a newborn comes who has no concept of how just plain wrong it is to be conscious before 7.

Lately, he is becoming a bit attached to Michael and I. More so, Michael, but I'll do in a pinch. Even at home, with Michael moving from room to room, baby Michael gets upset if he loses contact with his dad. It's cute but also a bit impractical. Seriously, how is it that he can be held by his dad and eat his breakfast at the same time? That just doesn't work. So we usually just hope the crying will subside quickly in the face of blackberries, eggs, or whatever else is on the breakfast menu.

For the first time today, he actually got a little "clingy" to me too. He has never minded anyone else holding him, but today, for whatever reason, he just latched on to me and made it clear he didn't want to move. It's sweet as the parent, but I can see how it is sad if you are a friend or family member who wants to hold him, and instead are met with a cry, a look, and clinging to Mommy like you are some sort of scary person. Maybe it's just a little phase.

Otherwise, everything is going great in our home. We have fun, try to get out each day to get some fresh air, and take advantage of the cool birthday presents he got, go to a park, etc. We have fun and are trying to stay cool at the same time. He runs around most of the time at home in just a diaper without a shirt. I love it. He's so cute that way, and it gives me ample options to smother him with kisses.

Just Being a Mom

It has been just over a month, I guess, since a replacement has been hired for my position at work. What a relief that was!

From about April until June, I was in this limbo mode. First off, I was sick. A first-trimester pregnancy kind of sickness which meant that I hardly had enough stamina to make sure my kid didn't stick his tongue in the electrical outlet or eat a paperclip off the floor, let alone go to the office and try to chase around a baby there while "getting work done."

Secondly, I knew I would be leaving, which meant, starting new programs was pointless, the old programs were just about finished, and everytime I thought about going in, I began to wonder, what is it I am supposed to be doing in this time anyways? It was this weird waiting game. I didn't like it, and not many around the office did either: "What's going on with you?" "Are you gone already?"

What the last few months of time at work were, was really the natural conclusion of what had been going on all year: babies require time. Family life requires presence. My parish can hire a new DCM, but I am the only Mommy and wife my family has. I began to realize that the more I tried to cook meals, keep the house cleaner, take care of the finances, accomodate my son's sleeping needs, be a good teacher/play-buddy to my son, and companion to my husband, there just wasn't enough of me to go around.

The writing had been on the wall for a while. Sure, in the Fall, I was able to run some events. In the Winter, I was on top of teaching my classes, but everyone started to see my ability to commit was waning:

"You say the meeting is at 6? I'm sorry, I can't make it, that's when we start getting the baby ready for bed."

"There's a staff meeting at 2? Oh man, I don't think I can come, that's when the baby takes his only nap of the day. If I miss it, it's going to be bad."

"The baby is too loud? You want me to spend the class standing outside? I'm sorry, I'm not going to get the baby all ready to get out of the house only to spend the whole time outside, not being present. I'd better just stay at home."

This became a mantra. I felt bad, but couldn't do much about it without compromising the baby's schedule, and in my opinion, hiswell-being (not an option) or hire someone to watch him on a regular basis while I take care of work. Not something we wanted to do.

Then came Matthew: a great reason to easily do what was needing to be done all along: pass on the baton. No one gets fired, no one quits without a good reason...just a happy conclusion to the story the parish needs someone with a full-time availability...and so does my family.

As I talk with the new DCM, I couldn't be more excited for the parish. He's full of energy, experience, great people skills, and a love for the Church. He has shared with me some of his ideas, and changes he has made and these conversations have been great because it just solidifies what is obvious: my time is over there, and it's time for someone new.

Yet, these conversations aren't without their sting too. It has become clear how much the job requires, and how my ability to give couldn't match that. My first year there was full of energy, promise, and availability. I was single, ambitious, and there for pretty much everything. My second year, I was married. Hey, I want to be home at 9:30 and not cleaning up coffee grounds and stacking chairs. It's the weekend, and instead of making sure someone didn't steal a pencil from the parish school, I wanted to be going to a movie with my husband.

But come November of that year, a new drama unfolded: the coming of baby Michael. Between the sickness, the exhaustion, swelling, and a couple trips to the hospital, I realized that the person that was working her tail off the year before just didn't exist in the same capacity...and didn't really want to.

Year number 3...well, it wasn't the beginning of the end. It was just the end. It wasn't just the time I no longer had, but it was the zeal. Of course, I still loved to teach. Of course, I still loved to help people get the sacraments, but my tolerance for the "other stuff" just plummetted.

I handled diplomatic issues with skill and grace, I thought....but once the baby came, it all seemed so silly to me. If I want to deal with someone who acts like they are one, or cries when you take something they want, or tell them "no"...I'll stay home! I began to appreciate that when there was crap to deal with at work, there was this game that had to be played. When there was crap to deal with at home....I just change the diaper and it's done.

Not that there was much of it going on at work. It's a GREAT place to work, with loving people, a great boss, etc, etc, but...there were some issues. Issues that still aren't resolved, and those began to wear on me more than they would have my first year. I purposely filled what time I could give, with things that didn't seem petty, things I thought could directly impact a person in need of the gospel...I see now that while my intentions were good, a lot of other things went neglected.

As these unresolved issues are passed on to my successor, or as things that just couldn't get my attention are now being tended to by someone who can give it his all, it makes me happy, and sad at the same time. I loved that job. I wanted to be great at it. I wanted to give it my all, I wanted to build something there. And it is a hard thing to hand on something I loved so much in such a state of incompleteness. I felt like I had a lot of explaining to do, I guess I still do. Look how long this post is already!

It took a few days of deep reflection to accept, and try to be thankful for the opportunity for humility, that, while I wasn't perfect, I also had legitimate reasons for not being able to give it my all.

Having few regrets about Michael's first year....how little time we actually had to spend apart, how hard I tried to take him with me...and how, in the end, I can honestly say I just tried to put my family first, I try not to beat myself up too much.

I wonder, maybe I should have cut the ties completely before Michael was born. Maybe, I should have gone on maternity leave and not come back. Even though someone else could have done a better job than my half-time-sleep-deprived-trying-to-get-this-kid-to-nap-oops!-Now-I'm-pregnant again-tired-morning-sick absent-mindedness...God must have intended that I stay for that time.

Maybe someone learned something , and that one thing was critical to some part of God's great design.

Of course, if I had left last year, then the DCM the parish hired wouldn't have been looking for a position, and someone else would have ended up with job...I don't know him well, but I can say from the times we have talked, that he is just what the parish needs...so I guess it's good I kept the seat warm until he got there.

But maybe, it was for me. Maybe, if I had quit when Michael came, I would have felt like I was giving up my job. Maybe I would have regretted leaving it behind. Maybe I would have longed to be doing the job I loved so much. Not knowing what it is like to be a mom, maybe I would have somehow "blamed" him for cutting short what I wanted to be a career.

Instead, the exact opposite happened. I longed to be home with him without feeling like I should be doing something else. I was burdened between two guilts: the guilt of not giving my job enough, and the guilt of taking the baby here and there, interrupting this nap and that nap just to try to work. When I was feeling good about work, I was feeling bad about my mothering. When I was feeling good about the mothering, I felt guilty about work.

What I learned is that no matter how great my job was, with great people, and so rewarding....I love just being a Mommy even more. I love just being "still" with my family. I love watching Michael play with something, being totally enraptured for 15 minutes at a time, without constantly watching the clock thinking, I need to get going. I love playing hide and go seek, or finding something that makes him laugh and knowing I don't need to put a limit on how long this goes on for. I love not stressing because he's napping until 4, rather than 2:30 like I had "scheduled."

Maybe I needed to learn that this is where my happiness was, and God knew that trying to straddle the fence was the way to teach me where my heart really wanted to be.

I guess all of these "maybes" can be true all at once. God only knows why the timing worked out the way it did. I am just happy they did work out this way. Sure, I'll be stretched way more in terms of patience than I was in the office. Sure, I don't really get sick days, or vacations. Sure, I'm on call all the time. Sure, the days can get kind of lonely. Sure, I'll have to be politically savvy, a great negotiator, motivator, manager. I'll have to be discplined, consistent, clear-thinking, firm, yet kind. Sure, I'll deal with irrationality, whining, tantrums, stubborness, willful disobedience. Sure, I may not get lots of thank yous, or "well dones."And the amount of time that I can claim as "my own" dwindles with each day, and with each addition to our family. Sure...all those things, and more, are probably true.

But in all of that, I honestly and completely echo the sentiments of my wonderful doctor when he congratulated me on our second pregnancy. He asked what that would mean for the job I had and I explained I would be staying home with the kids.

He shook my hand, smiled and said, "Congratulations! You've been promoted."

Time at the Park

I love taking pictures of Michael at the park:

Michael LOVES going to the park....a match made in heaven!

Michael likes to play in the dirt at the park.

He likes to watch the cars go by....and when he does, he says, "Cah!!" (His Daddy taught him that...but his Daddy says it right)

Michael likes to do yoga exercises at the park.

Michael likes to talk to his friends on the phone at the park.

Michael likes to crawl on Mommy at the park.

Michael likes to steal my camera at the park.

Michael likes to play with wheels at the park (and anywhere else too).

Michael sometimes just takes off crawling. Can you spot what he is after?

Michael loves the park.

And I love Michael.

Sorry....

...for not blogging more! Last time I posted, it took me, like, five attempts to write the blog because the web page kept freezing and wouldn't let me post pictures...Here are some pictures to make up for it!

A Year Ago This Morning...

Our little baby Michael saw the light of day (or rather, the hospital room) and took his first breath....



I knew from the moment we found out I was pregnant, that our lives would change.



I know that babies have this amazing ability to generate love. I've learned that very directly from each one of my nephews being born. This love is generated in the hearts of not just the parents, but in family and friends. More love exists in the world when babies are born.



And oh, was this ever the case with baby Michael, and as we celebrate his first birthday, it's so interesing to reflect on how much love bombarded our family at the arrival of this little one. He is our little treasure, our little man, who is lovable in every way.



This year has been a journey. It has been one that has moved from total lack of confidence on how to handle a baby--feeling totally out of sorts doing something simple like going to the grocery store, to gradually growing in the sense that, though each stage is new, I am getting a little handle on the parenting thing. I'm no master, but I can adapt more quickly, get overwhelmed less slowly, and worry a bit less when things don't always go according to plan.



When Michael was first born, I kept looking around for someone else to be the expert on him. "Do I do this now?" "What does he want?" "What's that mean?" "What will happen if I....?" Thankfully, my mom, Michael's mom, and my sister were there to provide lots of motherly wisdom, and I had lots of support from the whole family. But I still felt like someone else knows how to operate this "thing" better than I, and if only I could find that person I would finally get some answers.



Now, I feel like I have finally come to play the role on the baby Michael expert. That doesn't mean I know everything or can explain all his moods and behaviors, nor do I always do the right thing at the right time, but at least I feel like the most qualified person to take a best guess. And more times than not, I can get it right to eventually address whatever might arise. It's a good feeling, after a year, to finally be able to write instructions for people on his likes, dislikes, habits, and patterns, and not miss the mark too much.



Baby Michael is a good, good, baby. Very easy, very flexible, very regular in his moods, a great sleeper, not a picky eater, easy to comfort, responsive, smiley, and friendly with others.



He has a real distinct personality. If something is in his way, he moves it with authority. If he doesn't want your hand covering this or preventing him from getting that, he will very abruptly grab it and pull it out of the way (don't worry, I don't encourage that).



He doesn't back down from a challenge. If he is crawling on the floor away from you and you announce, "I'm going to get you!" He'll turn around and face the challenge head on, barrelling toward you. "You're not gonna get me! I'm going to get you first!"



He's determined. When getting his bath ready, he will come into the bathroom time and time again. I don't like him crawling on the floor in there, so I will pick him up and put him in his room. Undeterred, he will come marching back to the bathroom. This will go on ten times, if that's how long it is taking me to finish up. He's not getting mad or upset. He has a task and aims to complete it.



He is sweet. If I'm laying on the floor watching him play, he will regularly come over and put his head on me, just to say "hi." Those moments are dearly cherished.



He loves, loves, loves his Daddy. From the moment he was born, when the nurses held him up as he cried, and when Michael came over to cut the cord and say "hello", and baby Michael stopped crying and looked straight at his Daddy, he has had a very, very special bond with his father. Every night when Michael Sr. comes home and Michael is sitting at the dinner table, it is the same, wide-open mouth, screaming with joy smile that greets his Daddy. He loves to watch him play guitar, whistle, or simply be held and rocked while he drinks his bottle. When Daddy is home, all his attention is on where he is, and what he is doing. If baby Michael is eating dinner, his eyes are glued down the hall where he knows Michael Sr. is, changing out of his work clothes. In the morning, when Michael Sr is getting ready for work, baby Michael has to be hanging out wherever he is. If Michael Sr leaves the room to go to another room, baby Michael goes barrelling down the hall after him.



And who can blame him for loving his dad so much? I certainly can't!



Every day is new with our little guy. Maybe he makes a new sound, a new facial expression, gets a new tooth, has a new thing he finds amusing, or a new way to get to where he wants to go quicker, it's so much fun to watch and be a part of it. Some days, the look on his face makes him seem so much more knowing than he probably is, but those days makes me think that it will not be long before he comes up with his own logical explanations as to why things should go the way he says they should go. It is not hard for me to picture him as a big brother orchestrating how things should run around here.



Baby Michael, maybe you'll read this some day (probably won't be calling you 'baby Michael' by that time), so in case you are, know that this first year has been so incredible and we cannot wait to watch as you grow and learn year after year after year. We hope you know how much you are loved, treasured and cherished, and we pray that everything we do as parents helps to form you as a strong, virtuous, prayerful, and faithful young man. God has placed you in our care, and while we would never claim to be worthy of the task, we hope and pray for the grace to show you day after day how good God is, how much He loves us, and how happy we are when we do everything for Him. Trying to live that way is what brought your dad and I to this day where we celebrate your life and soon to welcome your brother Matthew, and words cannot express what deep happiness and joy we have from that.



Baby Michael, Daddy and I love you so much and we wish you a happy first birthday!!

One Year Ago Tonight...

We packed our bags and headed to the hospital to start the process of getting this little guy out!!

Did I say "little guy"?

I was huge!

Funny thing is, exactly one year later...

I'm getting big again!

Fresh Out of the Pool

Here is a picture I took with my cell phone shortly after we got out of the pool. Of course, this is after I bundled him up, and put a shirt on him. But during this process by he giggles, smiles, and is SO happy. He loves the sunshine, he loves seeing other kids in the pool splashing.

What a cutie!

P.S. Here's another picture for the road